I dropped off my college freshman, NOW WHAT?

For the mama with the empty house and a clean sink.......

How is your heart is holding up?

It feels so strange doesn’t it? 

You spent weeks wondering what it would feel like to drive off without them. 

The hustle in your family has been non-stop for the better part of the last year, longer if you have older kids. And then all of the sudden, it all comes to a screeching halt.

You knew it would be this hard, but somehow still, you could have never imagined it. The silence is just so heavy and awkward. It's like walking around in a pair of shoes two sizes too big or sitting in one of those massive chairs you pass at tourist attractions. 

When my oldest went to college, I remember wandering through my house and feeling like every room was shaped wrong. It looked the same and yet the feeling of home, defined for so long by the people who ate, showered, and vegged here, seemed off. 

It was like someone came in while I was gone and took out a wall, or maybe a window, though I never could quite tell which.  My comfy spot on the couch didn’t feel so cozy and I could have never known I’d miss the fights over the bathroom that had disappeared into the realms of family folklore.

Then there was the thought I couldn’t bear to think. The one that would prove to be the truest. This home would never be the same.  It wouldn’t look or feel the same. Never again would I get up to see three kids make their way out the door to school. 

The finality of it was too much. So the minute it would flash through my brain, I’d long to dismiss it by running the vacuum or loading the dishwasher. 

But after silencing my feelings for most of my life, I'd recently learned that a mamas's unexpressed emotions might eat her from the inside out, but they will destroy her children from the outside in.   

No matter how many articles you read or how many friends share helpful advice, no one can prepare you for the moment your first child flies the nest. 

This is why it’s essential for you to take the space you need and allow the whole transition to take as long it takes. 

Just as you couldn’t possibly master every skill you’d need for motherhood by the time your first-born was a month old, you won’t conquer this adjustment overnight either.

Your journey will be your own.  It may look and feel different than the path your friends take.  This process, your process will be tailor-made for you. 

It’s no small thing to reconstruct your life each time a child moves out.

To find new motivation for the daily tasks.

A new rhythm for your routines.

Or confidence that your new role in your child’s life is every bit as important as the last one, maybe even more so.

As a parent coach, I have the privilege of watching moms of teens and young adults  discover joy and purpose in this new season.  Believe it or not, this proves to be even more true if for some reason her children think she’s irrelevant or disregard her completely. 

I’ve seen it again and again.  The child who pushes back the hardest, is the one who desperately needs to experience the healing power of a mother’s love.

The one who protests the loudest or shuts down completely is quite likely the most wounded or in need of humbling.  

 And even the most well-adjusted and confident child will need her mother’s affirmation as life begins nip her heels.

For this reason, I want you to know that the emotional energy you will spend as you adjust to this new season so you make the transition from hands-on mom to coach and eventually to consultant is essential work and you student will reap benefits for decades to come.

So with that in mind, here's how to make it through the next few months. 

Don’t rush this tender time.  It may seem easier to stuff your anxiety, fear, or grief down by filling your time with new activities.  This will backfire in the long run though because your physical body will eventually tell the truth of all you’ve tried to outrun.

Be honest about your emotions.  Once you’ve acknowledged your emotions to yourself, find at least one other trusted friend or family member who is willing to bear witness to your grief and hold it tenderly.  Your grief has to be allowed to run it's course. Otherwise it will make a home for itself inside anger and eventually turn into bitterness.

Honor your journey. You’ve invested your life into your children.  The pain you experience when they leave is the evidence of your love.  Your loss deserves to be honored and your investment acknowledged. You’re the only one who can do that for you.

Discover fresh faith. Whether the truth of a living, personal God who loves you and has a beautiful plan for your life is familiar or a brand new idea to you, let me say it clearly now. Jesus loves and sees you and God has an incredible plan for your life. 

There is no time more perfect than this to ask Him to make Himself real to you throughout your day. The beautiful sunrise is His hello.  The text from a friend is His hug.  The new idea you have is His direction.  A brand new world is now in front of you and He will be right beside you as you venture out into it.

All who have gone before you know that the joy of watching kids take brave first-steps into adulthood is mixed right in there with the undeniable urge to rescue them when it all goes sideways. 

Your new role won’t always be clear as your child experiences loneliness, frustration, and the unmet expectations mixed into every season of life.

But just as your student will conquer the new challenges in front of them, you will see a fresh path of motherhood rise up in front of you also. God will give you the wisdom you need at the exact time you need it.

You’ll find creative ways to encourage them and timely opportunities to offer your insight just when they’re able to receive it. 

You’ll establish new routines and traditions to stay connected while giving them the space to keep growing into themselves and walk with growing confidence into the future. 

You may not see it yet, but those tiny sparks of pride you feel as their strength grows, will overshadow every challenge you've both faced along the way. 

This is gonna be so good mama, even the hard parts!

If you make room and allow it, this season of transition will be rich with vital nutrients which will cultivate the strength, hope, and resilience both you and your child will need for the future.

Lean in.

Feel every emotion and let it run it’s course.

Find a companion for the journey.

Ask God to guide you. 

And watch as your family grows in ways you could have never asked or imagined. 

Ephesians 3:20-21 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

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Marcy Holder is a writer, coach, and mom to three amazing kids ages 16-24.

She helps moms build GREAT relationships with big kids and believes that when moms can't mend it, God can heal it! Her family is the proof.

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